We’ve been talking a lot lately about immigration, but - as usual - our discussion has kind of missed the point.
Well, it hasn’t really missed the point as much as avoided it. Lots of words have been tossed around, but none of them has actually hit the target.
What do I mean? Well, our President and our Congress haven’t actually said who they want to admit into the United States to become citizens. The closest they have gotten was mumbling something about doctors and about bringing in people we need.
So, using my skills as a retired reporter (investigations and farm crops a specialty), I have found the top-secret list of the kinds of people we want to help make our nation even greater.
Let’s go.
1 - Magicians. We need to bring more people into our country because the birth rate here isn’t keeping up with the death rate. Our population is growing only because more people come here each year. And, a shrinking nation is a bad thing - few people want to take their turn in the army or collecting the garbage on freezing winter mornings or being our gardeners. So, since President Trump wants to cut immigration roughly in half, we need some magicians to turn that trickle of people into a mighty stream.
2 - Doctors. Now, I know we have a lot of doctors, and bringing in too many of them will result in lower medical costs. Ha, Ha, Ha. Actually, we need a couple of different kinds of specialists, mainly plastic surgeons, who can make Americans look really great again. After all, appearance is everything.
3 - Young, attractive models. Two reasons. The first is outlined in category 2. The second is that Donald Trump will not be in the White House forever and he will, sooner or later, be looking for another wife.
4 - Scientists. Not the boring kind with test tubes and computers, but the smart guys who can sit behind a desk, look at a camera, and say “This really hasn’t been proven yet. And, we have to know before we act.” We need them because the limited supply of those experts was pretty much used up by the tobacco companies, the fast food industry and the advisors to municipal water companies.
5 - Birch whip makers. There are lots of saunas in our country, but few of them have authentic Swedish birch whips to swat your back and get the blood really flowing while someone pours some water on the hot rocks. Increase the immigration quota for Sweden.
6 - Reindeer Herders. Now that the War on Christmas has been won, we will need a lot more reindeer for the parades on every main street in the nation and for the Christmas displays that will be going up in front of town halls and churches and - if they know what is good for them - in front of Temples and Mosques as well. Increase the quota for the Danes.
7 - Auto assembly line workers. There are some car makers - I can’t reveal just who - is going to spend more than a billion dollars building a manufacturing plant in one of our states, and they will need specially-trained experts to oversee the automated assembly line. Increase the quota for Germany.
8 - Hard-nosed prison guards. Crime is raging in Democrat-controlled cities, where they are wasting tax money on things like soft prisons where convicts get packages from home and actually get out early for good behavior. Law and order is a national goal, and our new private prisons will not only cut costs but will be good for the economy. There are already plans in the talking stage to turn medical care over to some of the surplus plastic surgeons we are allowing to come into the country.
Increase the immigration quota for Russia.
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