Let Me Change My Mind About That

Like most adults, I tend to make up my mind on things and then stick with that opinion.

I accept any new facts that tend to support my opinion at face value (well, not really), while things that go against my opinion are subject to strict scrutiny and sometimes forgotten or ignored.

So, it came as a shock the other day when I looked at one of my really firm opinions and found that I would have to change my mind.

I’ll make it easy for you to follow. First, though, I have to admit, proudly, that I am a man. It puts me firmly on one side of the sexual divide of the human race.

Naturally, I am talking about the recent flap about Democratic Presidential almost-candidate Joe Biden, a well-respected, well-known and veteran politician who served as Vice-President and who has done a lot of really good things in his life.

He is also a hugger, and maybe a nose-rubber, and certainly a kisser in pubic settings. My wife could say the same about me.

So, when he was recently attacked for inappropriate behavior in public assemblies, I tended to ignore the criticism. It was overblown, it was missing the point, it called for ridiculous standards  of behavior and it was a rehash of something that likely happened 20 years ago and is only being brought up now because he acting as if he is running for President.

What made me take those complaints seriously? Well, I certainly can’t speak for Joe Biden - who has apologized and said he would change his public touchy-feely behavior -but for me one thing has become really clear.

None of the women in the country - at least none that I know of - has come out and said “Hey, I like being hugged by a strange man, right there in front of everyone else and I want to defend my right to have anyone who is famous or powerful enough and wants to come over and grab my shoulders and start rubbing them to just go ahead an do it.

Can’t argue with that. It fits in neatly with my rule on what constitutes really bad behavior by the powerful against the powerless. The rule is simple. The people with less power get to decide what actions and behaviors offend them.

Want to call those sales clerks  or waitresses “girls” and treat them like teenagers even if they are older than you are? Well, they get to decide if you are being a jackass. Want to tell a Polish joke or pass on a slur against Jews or Muslims and defend it as “just a joke?’ Well. The Poles and the Jews and the Muslims get to decide if you are a bigot. So do the Italians and the Japanese and the Mexicans and every other cultural minority.

Now, having made that point clear and simple, let me muddy the waters a bit.

There is a cultural context to hugging and kissing strangers in public. It used to be that at political rallies - figure 20 or 30 years ago - the band would play, the candidate would make a speech, and all the people there would show their enthusiasm by yelling and applauding. Backs would be slapped, drinks would be spilled, and here and there kissing would break out.

Ever been to a New Years Eve party? The countdown counts down, Midnight comes, and hugging and kissing abound. Hooray. You could say the same thing about Christmas and mistletoe. And for those who are old enough to remember pictures in magazines, the ending of World War II meant kissing and hugging for almost everyone in a uniform.

But, things change. Social changes often move at a glacial pace. Changing the relationship between men and women in just a generation or so is remarkable. And, we still don’t quite know how to handle it.

Just a week or two ago, I was seriously thinking that any woman - or man for that matter - who does not want to be kissed or hugged in public wear a special button. I dropped the idea because it seemed dumb.

What made it dumb, I eventually realized, is that people don’t just take one position on something like a display of affection by a stranger. Their acceptance or rejection of that hug or that pat on the back can change from day to day, or week to week. You have a toothache or you just found out the repair bill on your car is over $1,500 and you probably won’t feel too affectionate. You just won $15,000 in the lottery and all may well be beautiful.

So, what to do?

If you’re good at reading body language, just muddle ahead. If you’re not - and most of us are not - just remember not to hug anyone who is smaller or weaker than you are, or who works for you or who needs you to keep their job.

Just remember all those slave owners who really believed their slaves loved them. You could be remembered just like them some day.