Time For A Change

There’s a lot going on in politics all over the world, and it’s time to put it all in perspective.

But don’t expect me to do it. I’m not smart enough.

Instead, let me tell you why I have reached my limit with politics in America.

Let me be clear about this. I will be taking a break from blogging about politics for at least a month or two.

I might blog about the Houston Astros now that baseball season in starting, our national emotional attachment to stars we have never met, or even the odd fact that as many people believe in astrology as support Bernie Sanders.

Damn, politics is sneaking in again. Hard to quit cold turkey.

It seems like the only way I can get this all out of my system is to file one final political blog. If I’m lucky it could be the last political blog I write until we actually find out which two candidates will be running for President in November.

So, here goes.

First, a riddle. What is the difference between Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump? Well, one yells and screams, sets impossible goals and promises to do things that we can’t afford. The other just yells and screams, sets impossible goals and promises to do things that we can’t afford.

Second, a question. What do you call a bunch of Democratic candidates who all say that any one of them would make a better President than Donald Trump, but spend most of their time in debates attacking each other because of things some of them did or said 10 or 15 years ago?

The answer is easy. Call them a bunch of Democratic candidates.

Now that I have that out of my system,  I have an observation. If money is so bad when you are a very rich person, you are attacked for buying the nomination, But, if you raise lots of money by pandering to your base, you are praised for buying the election. And, pray tell, what happens to the candidates for president who don’t raise enough money? Obviously, they don’t get the nomination. They just suspend their candidacy.

Which raises yet another question. Why can’t any of them say they are dropping out. They could always parachute back in later if all the other candidates are kidnapped by Martians.

(We all know that couldn’t happen. Donald Trump’s new Space Force is on the job.)

Well, while you breathlessly look at charts of likely election results and follow the delegates seeking the magic number of 1,991, let me give you some numbers.

There will be 3,979 delegates at the Democratic nominating convention, but the 771 superdelegates do not vote on the first ballot unless the nomination is uncontested, So, to win on the first ballot a candidate needs 1,991 delegates out of 3,208.  Good luck with that this year.

By the end of March, two-thirds of the delegates will be selected. If you want to look like a wise pundit, here is just one more number - by the end of March, a winning Democratic candidate should have gotten 1,328 delegates.

Again, good luck with that.

So, before I go to work full-time thinking about ethical questions - things like why is it wrong for a batter to steal signals from the catcher and pitcher in baseball when the same batter is rewarded for stealing second base? - let me tell you about a plan I have to monetize politics. Several plans, actually.

If you want to buy in to any of them, I could always use the money. No guarantees of course. And, if there are any legal issues involved, I could always run the plan past our nation’s Attorney General. I think I know a way to get his attention.

First, I will start an import-export business. I would import money from other countries, and export lies about candidates to the internet. I know some actors we could hire who would wear t-shirts identifying them as members of ethnic or economic groups. You know, guys who go to a rally with “Bankers for Jones” t-shirts on demanding we increase taxes on the poor to cut our national debt. “Of course, the poor,” one would say when they are interviewed. “There are so many of them.” The other candidate, call her Smith, would love it.

Second, I will start a not-for-profit and collect money for a very important project, which will be a source of national pride. I would raise hundreds of millions of dollars to carve the face of another President on Mt. Rushmore, which would instantly create an economic boom in the Black Hills region of South Dakota.

Well, not instantly, of course. The face of President Trump would have to be designed - I want it to be at least 120-feet tall, twice as big as George Washington or Abraham Lincoln, and then I would have to decide if it would be to the right of Lincoln or the left of Washington. I don’t want to make a political error.

The money would be supervised by - and get this - President Trump himself, who will have some spare time to do it after he leaves office, Heck, I would use some of it  to build him a private 18-hole golf course near the construction site. All I want is my cut for administrative expenses, paid directly to my not-for-profit set up in an overseas tax haven.

Third, I would start a production company to run new TV shows- contests like Scientist verses Athletes. Give each contestant a baseball bat, hire a major league pitcher, and see who wins a baseball game, the people who can chart the curve of a ball or the people who can actually hit a home run.

I was thinking about a dating show too. Rich verses Handsome, where a half dozen beautiful women have to decide who they want to date - a really attractive man or a slightly ugly, slightly older but really rich one.

I just don’t know if I would be accused of setting up a situation where someone buys a date, After all, that would never happen in real life, would it?