Dear Ms. Manners

Dear M. Manners

I recently received * several letters which touch on the same problem, but come at it from different directions. Mostly, I ignored them, because it was just good manners.

Still, reading a story in the Times about a scandal involving a long-time gynecologist at the USC student center makes me realize there is a common thread with those letters. (In his case, the doctor was protected from public exposure for years despite numerous charges from women patients about his alleged inappropriate behavior and his racist and sexual remarks about their bodies. None of those charges were forwarded to the state medical board.)

So, was that just a lack of good manners? Wait and see. Here are the letters.

Dear Mr., Miss or Mrs. Manners - So what is it with that stupid M., some kind of new liberal way of trying to hide your sexual identity? Men are men, women are married or not married, and all of that should be put right in front of us so we can figure out just who is giving us advice. Spare us the politically correct speech. If you can’t use any of those fine honorifics, just call yourself “Manners.” That’s what we call one of the guys who hangs out with us at a bar, and always asks for a coaster to put under his beer.  - MR!

Dear M. Manners - I am having a problem with one of my new employees, and see no good way to handle it without stirring up a hornet’s nest with the union. She is, well, a little priggish. Every time I call her “honey,” she either gives me a dirty look or just ignores me until I go over to her desk and yell at her. None of the other girls in the office mind a little compliment - I call all the women I work with honey, whether they are 18 or 60 - and see no reason why she can’t be more like everyone else.

I asked Human Resources if I could just fire her or transfer her, and they said it would be more trouble than it is worth. But, I can’t live with this insubordination much longer. So, what can I do? - Frustrated Boss.

Dear “M” - So, Trump won and Hillary lost, and the world has not come to an end. My taxes are lower, and our country is finally getting some respect. So maybe I don’t agree with all the things our President does, but it’s a big country, and you have to give something to all the people who voted for him. So, why can’t those liberal Democrats just get over it and support our president, just the way we did for the other guy when John McCain lost. Yeah, now that he is dying those Democrats suddenly like McCain. What hypocrites. - God Bless America.

Well, can you see how good manners links all those complaints together?  Don’t take this the wrong way - Democrats are just as guilty as Republicans for this one - but what we are talking about here is certainly good manners, but also an effort to talk truth to power.

And what’s the truth? Well, Aretha Franklin wrote a song about a vanishing social need back in 1967, when it was already becoming a little hard to find. 

She spelled it out. R E S P E C T.

Yep. We no longer respect the people we feel are somehow below us. Too poor, not well-educated. The wrong race. The wrong political party. People in the country don’t seem to respect the needs of city-dwellers, and we all know what city dwellers think of the folks in flyover country. 

Now, let’s get specific.

First we will look at Frustrated Boss, who sees nothing wrong with calling someone “honey.” Now, I bet he never calls his boss “honey,” or the cop who stops his car for speeding. And, he probably would get mad if one of the secretaries in his office called him “cutie” or  maybe “chubby cheeks.”

The problem is that nicknames and endearments always flow in just one direction  - down They go from the person with power to the person without it. It’s always from the boss to the subordinate. Heck, even George Bush and John Kennedy felt free to give nicknames to their staff, and to the reporters who covered them. Just a little pat on the head from someone who can make your life miserable.

Anyone ever hear of a school teacher who felt free to give a nickname to some of the kids in their class, but would get really mad when they made up names for him. And do  you really think Fat Vito picked that name for himself, or did the mob boss give it to him?

Now, Mr. may find it annoying that some people he has been calling Mr. or Mrs. all his life may want to change the form of address to Ms. Kind of like the way some Democrats don’t like hearing the party they have called the Democratic Party all their lives react when some radio host calls it the Democrat party. It’s my show, and I can say anything I want, unless I want to criticize the current party in power. 

So, really, who gets to decide what people - particularly groups of people - should be called. Isn’t it up to society at large to agree on what to call groups like radicals, or ultra liberals or ultra conservatives? 

Well, no. It is not. Ever see any of those movies from the 1930’s, where the script had the white actors calling the black actors “boy?” Or today’s election ads where no Democratic candidate is just liberal, but always ultra-liberal. And, in truth, not every Republican is a closet dictator. But the names certainly make it easy for the loyalists in both parties to figure out who to vote for.

Well, here’s an idea. People should be called what they want to be called. Individuals. Groups. Even the Freedom Caucus. Works for me, at least. Shows the FC people have a sense of humor.

Now, the letter I have the most trouble with is from God Bless America, which is a fine slogan for most people. But he seems to forget the lack of respect that came when another party was in the White House. We don’t really have to spell it out - just look at the news any day of the week, and listen to how respectfully the Republicans in Congress - and, sadly, some of the Democrats as well - talk about the people who disagree with them.

Oh, well, maybe when the Democrats are in charge of the House of Representatives again, they will let some Republican-sponsored bills get to the floor for a vote. We can always hope.

 * (read that as “made up”)